September 27th, 2015 my life changed forever.
I was 33 and had made it to an all time low. Since I was really young, I had been struggling, and failing, to accept myself. I had ongoing difficulties with body image and weight, eating disorders, acne, substance abuse, and relationship problems. Everything that represented Me – body, face, parents, even my name – I struggled with. I thought I was a bad person, and I was deeply ashamed of who I was. I replayed scenes in my head of every mistake I had ever made, including a school yard incident from first grade – I bit someone, which is actually kinda funny now – but when I was in my dark days I would replay this track of all the “proof” of how bad I was.
I was dreading the rest of my life and started fantasizing ending it. My suicidal daydreams were what finally woke me up. I knew that at age 33 I should not be feeling this way, and there was something really wrong.
What comes next is nothing short of miraculous. Turning to the internet, I searched “tips for living in the present moment”. It seems so wise, looking back. All I knew at the time was that I was constantly vacillating between self punishment for my past, and anxiety about what seemed like a hopeless future. This google search led me to a few articles by coach Erin Lanahan that spoke of the power our minds have to create our most beautiful lives, OR our worst nightmares. I read in awe…something resonated. I realized that I had been creating this negative environment in my life and relationships by my constant self punishment. I was so exhausted trying to control myself and my interactions all the time, to try and be what others wanted so I could get some of the approval that I denied giving to myself.
I told a close friend about the article, and without delay she handed me a copy of The Secret. I was incredibly inspired, and something rang true about the power we have within, to affect our lives, for better or worse. I devoured it in a day, and committed to changing my mindset. I felt like this new information was my salvation, and became really dedicated to cleaning up my thoughts. A couple days later, I prayed for the first time in many years.
I asked my soul to come out. I told her I loved her and that I needed her forgiveness for my past mistakes. My own little miracle happened, as I felt the incredible feeling of being loved and treasured immeasurably and being completely forgiven. I sat weeping on my knees in my backyard, holding my heart. Relief flooded my body as a weight was released from my shoulders.
I felt something come out of my sternum area, like a little presence that I could feel hovering around my chest. It was like something opened up that had been bottled up inside me, and poured out. All that evening, and the next day, I could still feel it there, a sensation of energy hovering over my chest. I had been physically changed from this experience.
Ever since, I have been on a profound spiritual journey. Prior to this happening, I had considered myself an atheist. I had not resonated with religious teachings that I grew up with and had pretty much abandoned spirituality. I was depressed, I numbed myself out constantly from my own feelings by using substances, and above all I was extremely self critical. I only say this, not to judge any of those activities, only to paint the picture of how much this has changed me. Now, I’m on a beautiful journey of healing and self love and I often feel this immense gratitude and wonder for my life and my spiritual connection.
I still have challenges, but I’ve learned that challenges are a way to even more opening, which I cherish. I have become way more in tune with my own feelings and my intuition, and maybe more importantly, now allow myself to be honest with my feelings rather than worried about what people might think of me. I studied with Heather Roussos and became a yoga teacher in 2016. I’ve always been a good student but this work, healing work, is the only line of study that I’ve ever been passionate about, and I can’t get enough. My bookshelves, journals, podcasts, and personal practice attest to the number of hours I’ve put into my own healing journey. I will not say it’s been easy. It’s really hard work to change your internal environment that you’re accustomed to. There are a lot of automatic habits and patterns that run DEEP. In addition to the work, I’ve lost almost everything I used to believe was my identity. Sadly, my husband and I divorced, I moved several times, I changed the work that I do, and I’ve lost many friends.
I just celebrated the three year anniversary of my spiritual awakening. My own healing journey has been profound. Things continue to unwind, and each spiritual lesson leads me to greater alliance with my deeper self. I hate the phrase “nobody’s perfect” because I think we actually ARE perfect and the problem is that we think we’re flawed, so we turn against ourselves!
This year has been about embracing feminine energy, forgiving my parents, finding my voice as a teacher, and unwinding a big pattern around my relationships with men. My psychic and intuitive senses have been awakening, which is, like, the coolest thing ever!! I’ve realized that I’m more of a spiritual teacher than a yoga teacher. I tried to fit in that box and it just wasn’t me. Don’t get me wrong, I love yoga and teaching yoga, but I have much more to say than I can fit into a 60 minute asana class, and I also feel I have a much larger audience to reach.
I am a messenger, a spiritual broadcaster even, and this is my message: Self acceptance and self compassion is the way to heal everything in your life. Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations, they are trying to point out some belief about unworthiness that lives in you. Each teaching will bring you to deeper and deeper levels of relaxation about yourself, and you will experience more joy than ever before!
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